a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
