True but thats because hes a fetus.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
