I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
