Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
