i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
