did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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