there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
