We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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