The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
