if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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