I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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