Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
