everyone is single if you try hard enough
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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