I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
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Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
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Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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