i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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