My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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