My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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