im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
