Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
