Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
