Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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