I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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