If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
