So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
