youre lurking in front of me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
