I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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