My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
