I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
