I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
