There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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