she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
