i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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