So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
