Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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