Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
