i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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