Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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