That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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