I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
