U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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