I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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