I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
