I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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