Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
