I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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