I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
These tits shall not be calmed
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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