he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He shit in the fireplace
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
