Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
