They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i was born a porn star she said
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
where are you?
Hypothermia
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I didn't notice because vodka
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
