he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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