I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
