I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
