dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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