My nipple is on Facebook.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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