mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
So apparently I’m into choking now
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