Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
