i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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