Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
