Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
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Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
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I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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