How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
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Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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